Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
