i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
