I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
