i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
