He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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