i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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