Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Who did Billy Mays play for?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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