May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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