Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
