Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
