I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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