Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
please come you make the beer taste better
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
