So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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