I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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