Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
