if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
