Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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