I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
