my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
