i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
