It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
They have beer where we have blood.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
