my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
