i was born a porn star she said
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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