and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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