my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
