So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
