During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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