When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
