I can't breathe out the right side of my face
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
