I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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