I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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