you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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