when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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