You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize