She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
