And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She even gives head with a lisp.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
