I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
