I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
