I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
