I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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