Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize