I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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