i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
