i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
