i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He shit in the fireplace
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
