I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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