so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My feet surprised me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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