Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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