two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
