it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
