Just fell off a train. Bad.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
