I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
