life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
