I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
