i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
